Lost and Troubled

 Whoever is reading this, you probably have no idea who I am or why I am writing this. The thing is, I have been lost for so long, have no one to really talk to about anything basically, my personal emotions, life, career, academics; everything I am going through alone by myself.

  So everyday is the same routine, I wake up, go to work, spend insufferable 9 hours there, then come back home, barely I will sit an hour for myself, eat something, and sleep. Then wake next day same cycle. Everyday same routine, feeling like you are trapped. You want to quit but you cannot (for reasons will go through it in a bit). It is basically life-long prison that I cannot escape.

  Another thing is, my disaster financial state! Yep, in my late 20s I am drowning in debts, bills and all kinds of financial bullshit. It all started three years ago when I took my loan like a moron. I went way over my budget with couple of stuff, had two credit cards, was in terrible situation (tho certainly not worse than now). Later I started thinking to apply for a second loan to pay off the first one and keep saving amount (which sounded like a great idea). So I did it. After finally receiving my second loan, I paid off the first one, cancelled one of my credit cards, kept savings. But that did not last long. You see, last June I went on a trip overseas with a couple of friends and had massive expenses to pay for, which was somewhat alright, but the issue was the time I ran out of money there and started using ATM to deposit funds from my saving accounts, huge mistake I have done. Now you might want to ask, whatever happened to the remaining funds. Well, let us just say my greed and stupidity got the best of me sadly. At first I have put my funds into an crypto asset, which was fine in the beginning only holding. But then, it is the time when I got really stupid and idiotic dream fantasizing about idiotic future that would probably never happen. That time is when I stumbled into a Discord server that presumably did "pump and dump" schemes on somewhat daily basis. For some moronic reasons I believed it and joined their sketchy exchange platform. And then it started with the first deposit I made there just so I join the "pumps". After maybe three to four days I see $425 in my balance become over $70 grand. It was too good to be true. So I tried to withdraw from that exchange. Every time it kept giving me error that "the destination address need to be verified by sending an amount of exactly $500 to it" I should have seen it right there but I did it anyway and deposited another $500 thinking I would be withdrawing $10 grand at least. Oh boy how wrong I was! Tried again and did not work. I thought maybe because it did not deposit exactly $500 maybe around, so like a bloody idiot I deposit $500 more. I have tried several times even with less amount, but same vague error. It was finally when I realized it was a fucking scam the time I searched this exchange platform on Google, and basically everyone said it was a scam site. So there goes my +$1500.

Another thing that made my financial state even worse, is a girl. I know this might sound familiar, but the girl of my dreams, the love of my life came back to my life, and at first we hit it great texting. Of course there is a whole long story about this particular girl that I think it can be covered on some other day. Anyway later on she started going radio silent. Then out of the blow she would text me or call me, and talk and chat, and suddenly she'll tell me about some of her troubles and issues she is going through, and so she asks me for money. Of course I would understand and whenever I can I would help her out (either with her kid's expenses, credit bill, or loan payment) since she is unemployed and single mother, so immediately I would help her out. It continues like with small amount maybe every two weeks. Then suddenly she started asking for big amounts to pay off some of her bills. Of course I feel bad but sometimes I really cannot because I was limiting my budget so I do not overspend, but then hits my soft spot for her, which was always my weakness for her. It kept going until the point I really had nothing to help her out this time. Around this time she started communicating less than before because I started giving her disappointing answers. Later on she called and asked why am I not talking like before. She thought that I was sick of her calls for money (which was little true) but because I love her, I did not say that, I just said something along the lines like "busy with work, exhausted at home, etc..".

After a while she called me again, and oh boy we talked. Well technically she did most of the talking. She was talking to me about her future and about how she does not want to work again but instead live as a housewife. She told me that her father found another man for her (yes, she comes from a very traditional family, hence why she did any dates outside of a marriage) but she rejected for some personal reasons. Of course I asked her not to rush to accept any man same like last time, heck I begged her, and so she started asking me about my future plans (basically her plans), the fancy life she desires for her and her son, and all the ridiculous demands. I mean I really love her, but these kind of demands and thoughts just tear down any shred of love there is. She kept asking me and I reluctantly said "yeah sure". And so she agreed to wait for me, and we kept chatting for a bit until she had to leave.

About two weeks later, she called me and told me that she has pending loan payment she must pay as soon as possible. That time I was still believing in that scam exchange site, and so I told her after five days I would have the amount once I withdraw from there. And as I mentioned earlier it was scam and can never withdraw any amount and so I got stuck in an awkward situation with her. Five days later she called and I explained what happened. She got a bit upset and disappointed of course. Tho even after I told her I cannot, she kept telling how I am the only person she can rely on (thinking that somehow magically I would have the amount). So I panicked and said will try maybe borrow from someone after two days. Of course I could not do that and two days later she called and text but I never replied.

   I got into a real difficult depression (and still am), you see I am out of money, cannot talk to her, stuck and imprisoned at work, cannot leave because of my debt and cannot find another job. It is really difficult the anxiety and depression I am going through. Cannot think straight, cannot do anything outside of work because I return to home after work to exhausted to think of anything. The girl continuously tried to call and text me but never replied, because I have no idea what to say to her. After a long and still painful time, I have been trying to let her go, find some other guy better than me who can provide her with all her desires because she deserves better, but never knew what to saw and still have not responded to her. So I am thinking to alienate her and just make her hate me and find other guy quickly hopefully until I come up with the right words and send to her. I know letting her go is the greatest mistake I could do, but if it means she finds someone else who is a whole lot better than me, then I am willing to make that sacrifice.

I feel like I am dead already inside my own body. There went my funds. There went the love of my life. I have no idea how to survive (barely survive) everyday.